What Your Brokerage Custodian Says About You

Robinhood....it's not just for degenerates anymore!

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​Why did you pick your trading platform? ...stop me when I lie.

Robinhood - You read on WallStreetBets that you can buy stocks with 'other peoples money' and that sounds like a smart strategy to get rich quick. You almost signed up with FanDuel instead.

Fidelity - You had a 401k that somehow turned into an IRA. You trade once every two years. You calculate your investment gains on your invested balance because your cash drag would lower your returns by 600 basis points. You use the Stocks app on your iPhone for all your market news.

Ameriprise - Your brother-in-law used to work here (U-4 filing makes him unhire-able). You are not aware that you are paying a 2% wrap fee on your account that "doesn't seem to grow much". You might actually have an IUL policy as well.

Charles Schwab - You are on the west coast and are a Fidelity investor and don't know it. You heard that reading 10-K's is what the smart money does. You are thinking to FIRE but can't find a low cost of living city with good sashimi.

Wells Fargo Advisors - You got a $SBUX gift card for making the initial appointment. You called the service center to complain about an annual maintenance fee and demanded a reimbursement. You told your friends that your account did great during the last bear market not realizing that you actually own a fixed index annuity.

eTrade - You watched Dave Portnoy lose millions on $LULU stock and thought you could do better. You got a Reg D notice in your first week of trading. You are thinking to ACAT to WeBull because you get 'two free stocks'.

Merrill Edge - You think research is important. Your Advisor told you that this is your 'play account' and that they didn't want to manage it. In reality, the balance is under 100k and filling in an ACAT might make them miss their tee time.

Interactive Brokers - You are 'pro-sumer' and you want the best and know just enough to be dangerous (to your net worth). You have been on the wrong side of a $VXX trade multiple times. You feel proud when you see $IBKR commercials on CNBC.

Invesco - You are a teacher that had an Oppenheimer 403(b). You leave your account at Invesco because you cannot figure out the paperwork to rollover the funds. The 1.35% expense ratios for closet index funds sounds reasonable because the nice man in the cafeteria twenty years ago said it was.

Pershing - You aren't really sure where your money is. You feel that you are billed for every conceivable transaction. You own a balanced mutual fund C share and get mailed statements.

TD Ameritrade - You think you are smarter than all the other traders. You threaten to leave them if Schwab messes with Think or Swim. You follow Downtown Josh Brown on Twitter and took a screenshot of the time he liked your comment.

Tradestation - You are a home gamer and $IBKR seemed expensive. You don't really understand the difference between trading and investing. You think you can market time a margin loan at 'the bottom' to make up for your previous trading errors. Your trading setup rivals many Twitch gamers.

Vanguard - You read Warren Buffet's Annual shareholder letters and bought 'Security Analysis' by Ben Graham but didn't really understand it. You liked what you read about Roboadvisors in an article in Investor's Business Daily but you still think they are somehow a scam. You have contemplated a Roth conversion of your IRA for the last five years.


So what is the metagame? You need to know yourself as an investor/trader. WINNING AT INVESTING IS ONLY POSSIBLE IF YOU CAN MANAGE YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. Stay in your lane.

​Music bed provided by One Up

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